Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

My missus thinks that Sherlock Holmes is a block of flats

 

What's got 7 eyes, and cannot see?

Three blind mice and half a kipper.

 

Please stop as my will to live is draining away and I'm sinking to a low ebb. You're tapping into my brain pain area and I'm having to plug my eyes for relief.

 

Alright, I'll stop, Costa I'm sick of them, too

 

Hard to believe humour has sunk this low and this was the best

 

I was 21 before I realised Muffin the Mule wasn't a perverted sexual act

 

And you still carried on.

 

Any port in a storm Rooch

 

"I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta."

 

"I keep randomly shouting out 'broccoli' and 'cauliflower' - I think I might have florets."

 

I thought cunnilingus was an Irish airline.

 

in advance . . . .

A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No . . . . the steaks are too high.”

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli . . . . a strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident and shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs !” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t . . . . I’ve cut your arms off”.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘Is it common ?’ “It’s not unusual.”

Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my arse.” How’s that ?” "Don’t you start.”

What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

I was getting into my car when this bloke said to me “Can you give me a lift ?” I said “Yes . . . . you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.”

A man walked into the doctors and said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”

Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and they expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

Two aerials meet on a roof, falling in love, and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails, but I cured her. I hid her teeth.

 

Now I'm getting older I sometimes get my Alzheimer's medication mixed up with the dog's distemper tablets.

The good news is he never forgets to take me walkies ...

... the bad news is I've just bitten the postman

 

please log in to view this image

 

I was telling a friend that I used that line in a routine the other night. He asked "how did it go down?", I said "gurgle, glug, splash...."

 

please log in to view this image