"A £1 to look after your car mister?" said the young street kid after I'd parked in the city. "Don't think so son" pointing to my Doberman lying on the back seat. "Ah right" he replied, "any good at putting out fires is he?
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies
A brave shopkeeper has chased off an armed robber with just his labelling gun. The culprit now has a price on his head.
"Can you read that car's number plate from here?" asked my instructor today. "Yes!" I replied, "Now can you please open the fuki'n parachute!"
A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!" Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!" Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?" "Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid's chain. "You don't see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!" The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy!"
I've just walked past a butcher shop and saw a sign in the window 'Turkey from £30' I thought bloody hell, that's £300 cheaper than 'Thomas Cook'............
William Shakespeare walks into a bar, before he can order anything the landlord says "Get out, you’re Bard"
An Irish couple were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a newborn baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him".
Remember When...... Memory was something you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity . A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu A CD was a bank account . A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3-inch floppy ..... You just hoped nobody ever found out !
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Fiat 500." "Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.” I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.” My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘Is it common?’ “It’s not unusual.” Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” How’s that?” Don’t you start.” What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.” So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.” A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore” Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night Heard the one about two aerials meeting on a roof, falling in love, and getting married? The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her. I hid her teeth.
Paddy arrives to work on a building site with an object under his arm. Mick says "What's that under your arm Paddy"? "It's a flask" Paddy replies. "What's a flask"? Mick enquires. Paddy explains it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Intrigued Mick says" What's in the flask at the moment"? To which Paddy answers " 2 mugs of coffee and an ice cream".
Didn't spot me there. The days when you could swap ends at half time (or even go where you want at any time)
