What day of the week is it thread

Winalot have just announced bankruptcy.

They have called in the retrievers.......

 

I phoned a Radio Station today, to enter their mystery prize competition.
The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize'
"That's Fantastic!" I called out in delight.
"Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a geography Question."
"Well, I've got a degree in Geography from Salford University," | proudly replied, "and I've taught Geography to A level students for the last 10 vears"
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 VIP tickets to the premier of new Barbie movie and to meet actors afterwards, what is the capital of France?"
"Islamabad", I replied.

 

Due to the awful weather conditions, I’ve just visited our 80 year old neighbour to ask if she needed anything from the shops.

Turns out she did, so I’ve given her my list too, no point in all of us going out in this #snow ...

 

Why does my wife always wait till I'm at the other end of the house before asking me to

"Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!"?

 

An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel.

 

Ron, it was the brothers Nathan and Louis Thompson, and Ben Thompson playing. Funnily enough, all ex-Pompey players!!

 

A lorry loaded with Oxford Thesaurus books overturned on the motorway spilling its contents..

Onlookers were stunned, shocked, speechless, dumbfounded, astonished, amazed, bemused, flabbergasted, surprised, startled.

 

The wife asked me if I had seen the dog bowl.

I said "to be honest, I didn't even know he played cricket"......

 

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognising a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?”
The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?”
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?” He quickly adds” . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

 

Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.
I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said,
"That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

 

Sammy Davis Jr and Ella Fitzgeralds chicken restaurant was a complete and total flop.

Evidently no one wanted to eat at Sam n Ella's.

 

I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.

“That’s not a lizard,” the store clerk told me.

“That’s a stand-up chameleon.”

 

I've just finished converting my van to electric.

I swapped the diesel engine for the motor from a tumble dryer, it wouldn't start at first, then I realised I hadn't shut the door properly! I then took it for a spin!

 

When I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it with a cold beer.

It's called the Heineken Manoeuvre....