The Lone Ranger was riding through the prairie when he saw his old and trusty friend Tonto lying down with his ear to the ground groaning" "Tonto, what is the matter"? He asked. Tonto replied..... "Kemosabe...Stage Coach...heading east,....four horses... Two white....two black...three men on board....one carrying a shotgun". The Lone Ranger asks...."How can you tell"? Tonto replied..... "It's just fu#king ran over me".
I said to the girl in B&Q, "what's the best thing for greasy ovens ?" She said "ammonia cleaner" I replied "sorry love, I thought you worked here......"
I'm starting a new job at the local church next week as a bell ringer. I'm going in tomorrow, so they can show me the ropes....
If Whoopie Goldberg married Peter Cushing she'd be Whoopie Cushing If Isla Fisher married Barry White she'd be Isla White If Beyonce Knowles married Roy Castle she'd be Beyonce Castle If William Shatner married Stevie Nicks, she'd be Stevie Shatner Nicks If Carrie Fisher married Phil Oakey, she'd be Carrie Oakey
If there are any BBC presenters reading this, I’m happy to send you a picture of my arse for 5 grand. DM me for bank details.
In the spirit of Wimbledon fortnight I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked on the internet for the best way to serve them. It said remove the stalk, cut them in half, dust with a little icing sugar and pile cream on top. Word to the wise, pile cream tastes disgusting.......
Ladies tennis final at Wimbledon today I remember dating a tennis player and every time we had sex she would shout out new balls please
Was that after she exclaimed Goodness gracious, great balls of fire. Sounds like you really served it up to her Guy.
I was in our local car park, and I saw a parked car with a bumper sticker that said "I miss Liverpool". So, I smashed a window, nicked the radio, and left a note saying "I hope this helps!".......
Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a BMW, beeped his horn and bared his naked arse out of the window. Bloody beep and car moon........
That was about 8/9 years ago when Wycombe came over for a pre-season friendly, just 15 mins from where we live. The following year they came over again for a friendly against Le Havre but for some reason it was played down near Nantes, which was a 3 hour drive for us. Not much of a friendly though. It was Akinfenwa's (Bayo's) first game after being signed. One of the Le Havre players was a bit aggressive with one of ours, there was a bit of a mêlée and Bayo came flying over and knocked him flying. Both got straight reds but as it was a "friendly" both teams were allowed to sub. Ended 1-1
