I really let the wife down today. We did everything she wanted to do, went to all the places she wanted to go to But I forgot to act as though I was f*cking delighted throughout.
"Push harder!" I shouted to my wife whilst she was in labour. "f**k off you b*stard!" She screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my bloody fault the car broke down on the way to the Hospital!
A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two." The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question." The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it, then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.
WARNING!! SCAM ALERT Keep an eye out for these two women. They're hanging around in and around Dunnes stores on the Childers Road Limerick and when you are putting your bags into the car they approach you asking for a lift to Chicken hut. These girls are very convincing and quite attractive! Once in your car one of them takes her clothes off while getting on top of you to distract you while the other takes your wallet. I've had my wallet stolen now on the 2nd, 3rd and 4th, twice yesterday and probably two more times tomorrow. Dunnes have wallets for sale for €3.99 but I've found some in Penny's for only €1.49 so have bought 4. Also, you never actually make it to Chicken hut so I've also lost 11lbs
My son said, "Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?" I said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her." He said, "WOW…So what happened?" I said, "Nothing son. Unfortunately the arrow missed and hit your fecking Mother."
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly. Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?" The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
Beads of sweat were running down her cleavage, and her breathing was hot and heavy. She moaned as she gained momentum by rocking her hips harder and harder, preparing for the final climactic effort that she knew was coming soon. Then, in one final full-body thrust, it was all over, and she breathed a deep sigh of relief and satisfaction. It's always a struggle when the missus gets up off the settee.
