Two old ladies sat on a bench on Brighton Sea Front A naked jogger ran up to them As he passed the first one she had a stroke The second one sadly couldn't reach him
For her birthday I took my girlfriend to an orchard where we stood looking at trees for half an hour.. Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently
Teacher: "Johnny, can you use the word “gruesome” in a sentence?" Johnny: "Yes ma’am, I used to be shorter, then I gruesome."
A bishop, a nun, and a football agent were adrift on a life raft in the tropics. At last they sighted land. But the wind died down while they were still a short way from the beach. The football agent, the only one who could swim, volunteered to go ashore with a line and pull the raft to land. The bishop and nun fell to their knees to pray for his safety. Then the agent dived in. His companions saw the black fin of a shark making straight for him. The shark disappeared, then came up on the other side, having passed under the swimmer. The agent seemed unperturbed, slowly switching to different swimming strokes, seemingly enjoying the exercise. Shortly, the bishop and nun saw an ever bigger shark darting toward the football agent, but again, this one also swerved just in time. After the agent had reached shallow water, he pulled the raft ashore, and as the bishop and nun jumped off the raft to safety, they simultaneously exclaimed, “There is proof of the power of prayer.” “Power of prayer, be damned!” retorted the agent. “That was just professional courtesy.”
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'asked the solicitor. Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... ' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road...... ' The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 'Now wot da fock would you say?'
I was shocked at the price of those ‘Ancestry DNA kits’, so rather than spend any money, I just announced that I had won the lottery. I quickly found out who my relatives are.
I was shocked at the price of those ‘Ancestry DNA kits’, so rather than spend any money, I just announced that I had won the lottery. I quickly found out who my relatives are.
Thankfully it could never happen on the day because the rout will be fenced off for the crowds to stand behind.
