Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Another owldy . . . .
A group of ex-nursery school kids were trying to become accustomed to big school, and the biggest hurdle that they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words" she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No . . . . you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words" She then asked Michael what he had done. "I had a ride on a choo-choo."
he said, "No . . . . you had a ride on a train. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you read ?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said "Winnie the ****."

 

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, andyou took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

 

We've just come back from a holiday in Spain.
My wife didn't really enjoy it, because everyone could speak English and all of the food was like the stuff that we eat at home.
She said, "Next time, I want to go somewhere where they eat weird stuff and you can't understand a word that they say."
So I've just booked us a fortnight in Scotland.

 

My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another one.
Luckily my wife was with me and wearing tights, so I knew how to fix the problem.

I put them on my head and robbed Halfords.

 

Father Flynn had been parish priest at St Monica's for over fifteen years and boasted that he knew all of his parishioners by the sound of their voices. So he was a little confused when he was hearing confessions one Saturday morning and realised that there was a person talking whose voice he couldn't place.
'Are you a stranger here?' asked the priest through the confessional screen.
'Yes, Father,' said the voice. 'I'm touring with the circus that came into town yesterday.'
'I see,' said the priest. 'and what do you do in the circus?'
'I'm an acrobat,' said the stranger.
'Bejesus, I'd like to see you work,' said Father Flynn, 'but I'll be too busy to come to the show.'
'No problem,' said the acrobat. 'I can do a few things now if you have the time.'
Out came the priest from the confessional box and he sat in a pew watching the circus performer do handstands, flick flacks, somersaults and multifarious contortions.
As this was going on, Biddie Murphy rushed out of church saying to herself
'If that's the sort of penance that he's giving, I'm going to change my underwear!'

 

My wife looks no different now than she did on our wedding day, almost 27 years ago.
Mouth full of f*cking cake.

 

When it comes to sex, my wife and I like different things.
She likes missionary and doggy position. I like my receptionist.

 

A tramp stopped me in the street and asked if I had any loose change.
I jiggled my trouser pocket and said, "It appears that I do."
I thanked him for his interest and walked on

 

A jew goes up to a prostitute and asks
“how much to w*nk me off ?”
Prossie says looking him up and down
“£50 to you darlin is that alright ?”
He says “No…No, its not it just makes me happy to know how much I am saving every time I do it myself!"

 

Merrick Clapton

 

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.
The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."
The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

 

"You boy which Tory donor is Chair of the BBC now?"

 

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I could do with one of those over here.