My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!" Guess who had to put the batteries in.
God bumps into St Peter, Peter says "God, we've got a big problem" God says "What's up Pete?" Peter replies "The hinge on the Pearly Gates is broken!" God says "Don't worry Pete, Jim'll fix it"
3 men are captured by savages and told that their dicks will be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs. 1st man is a Lumberjack - his would be chopped off! 2nd man is a Butcher - his would be sliced off! 3rd man is rolling around in hysterics! His captors ask "What is so funny?" He replied: "I work in the Dyson factory!"
At an England training session, John Terry gets the ball and dribbles 'round Ashley Cole, Danny Wellbeck, Ashley Young, Rio Ferdinand & Micah Richards. Fabio Capello shakes his head and shouts: "Cones, John. I said go 'round the ****ing CONES!"
I went to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on my penis. A woman asked me: "What are you?" "I'm a Fireman" I replied. "But you're only wearing a glass jar?" said the woman. I said: "Exactly. In an emergency, break glass, pull knob & I'll cum as fast as I can!"
My missus sent me shopping yesterday - she told me to go and buy her something that would make her look sexy... I came back with 2 litres of vodka and a case of Stella Artois!
I couldn't stop farting in bed last night, to the point where my Jewish girlfriend had enough and kicked me out to sleep on the sofa! "Oh come on!" I pleaded, "...a bit of gas never killed anyone" Apparently now i'm '****ing insensitive' as well!
I reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police. They asked me "How did you find her body?" "Her tits were ok, but the rigormortis had tightened her asshole a little too much for my liking" I replied.
I was at the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in. Anyway, she's now made an official complaint and i'm banned for life.
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?" "Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said. "Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically. "No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?" "Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded. He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked. "Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered. "Is it stolen?" the guy asks. "No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?" "Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more. Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?" "Five dollars," was the familiar response. "I'll take that too!" the man said. As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him, "Why are your prices so cheap?" The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"
What a woman says... This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and You'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now! What a man hears... blah blah blah blah blah C'MON! YOU AND I blah blah blah blah! blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
One day, a sick guy went to a doctor. The doctor ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor called and the wife answered. "I'm going to have to run a few more tests", the doctor said "I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample". After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?" "Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear".
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, "they've lost the plot!"
I was sat on the edge of the bed last night, pulling off my boxers and the wife says to me " Can you please stop doing that to the dogs "...................................
Like the old song says. "My dustbin's full of toadstools." "How do you know it's full?" "There's not mushroom inside."
