As a plane was about to crash a female passenger stood up and Shouts If I am going to die I want to die like a woman Takes all her clothes off And says Is there a man on this plane who can make me feel like a woman A man stands up Takes his shirt off And says Here iron this
Paddy and Murphy who were unemployed decided to go to the mainland to work in the mines in Derbyshire, "But I've never worked in a mine before in my life" said Paddy, Neither have I" said Murphy, "But they don't know that, do they, Its a long way from Wales, so we'll say we've worked in the mines in Wales, they can never check, then we will pick it up as we go along!!" So they arrived at the mine, the manager said to them "Tell me, where have you worked before?" Both together they said" Oh we've worked in the mines in Wales" the manager replied, "Well we've never had anyone from the Welsh mines, tell me, what sort of lamps do they use?" Straight away Murphy spluttered "Oh we never went on the night shift, did we Paddy!!.
please log in to view this image Ok lads i would definitely need a paper bag for that one i've got higher standards than Taff to keep up
I got cut up by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "£5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him. "That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab" I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?". "£5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him. "I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab" I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn, until I came to my target at the back of the queue. "How much to the station ?". "£5" said the driver. "Ok" I said "Let's go" As we pulled out and overtook the other taxis I wound the window down and gave all the other drivers a thumbs up with a big grin on my face!!.
I asked my GP if there was anything better than over the counter hemorrhoids stuff as I was trying to avoid the time off work for surgery. She suggested using teabags as a cold compress as the tea shrinks them and soothes some of the pain. I decided to try it, but I only ever use loose leaf tea, but the principle’s the same, so I scooped the leaves out of the cold pot and used a wad of kitchen towel to hold them in place. A couple of week’s later and I’m back at the Doctors. She gets me to drop my trousers and lie on the couch on one side. I hear her draw up her chair, the lights dimmed slightly and she said. “Well, your hemorrhoids aren’t getting any better, but you are going on a journey. You will meet a tall dark handsome stranger.....”
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite," The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!
Someone offered me a £70,000 a year job working for the Brittle Bone Society…. I snapped his hand off.
Feeling down? Play a country music record backwards. You get your wife, your kids, your house your dog and your truck back in two minutes
I was sat in the pub the other day when in walks a lad dressed all in black and holding a whistle. I said '****ing hell . . . . it's all going to kick off in a minute'
