A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
A man had just gotten off work and was waiting for the elevator to go home. The door opens, and there’s a blonde with a huge smile on her face. “T.G.I.F.” she said to the guy. He looks at her, shakes his head. “S. H. I. T” he replies The blonde looks at him, somewhat shocked. “T. G. I. F.” she says again, adding “Thank Goodness it’s Friday!” The man looks at her again, scowling a little this time. “S. H. I. T.” he replies once more. “Sorry honey, it’s Thursday!”
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to K -Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local K -Mart. Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away." September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!" December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN ..…………………………………………………… And last, but not least .. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!" Regards, K -Mart
Judas: Still on for Friday? Jesus: Friday? Judas: Yeah, the Last Supper. Jesus: The what? Judas: Supper. Normal supper with the guys.
My wife has left me because I am so insecure. Hang on, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.
I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hands and said "By the will of Allah the Almighty and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today". I told him that I was not paralysed. He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing. Again I told him that there is nothing wrong with me. After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold, my bloody car was gone.
If a man named John thinks he is Joe or Jerry or Jim, he is classed as schizophrenic, but if a man named Simon thinks he is Susan, he is classed as normal?
It's worse than that, Susan is classed as more normal than most because he/she has realised it's true self
A scouser living in Newcastle goes home after school and says to his mum "Today I counted up to 12 and all the others could only count up to 10; is that because I come from Liverpool?" "No" says his mum, "It's because you are 27"
