A guy walks into a bar, and he's got a duck on a biscuit tin. Barman says, "What's that?" Guy says, "It's a dancing duck, watch." He puts the duck on the biscuit tin on the bar and after a few minutes the duck stands up and begins to bob from one foot to the other, just like it was doing a little dance. "That's fantastic!" says the barman. "That'd make a great talking point for my pub! I'd like to buy it!" They agree a price and the guy goes off. The next morning, the barman opens up, and he proudly puts the duck on the biscuit tin on the bar and waits for it to start dancing. Nothing, it just sits on the biscuit tin on the bar. Barman tries everything he can think of to get it so dance: feeds it, gives it some water, plays it some music. All to no avail, it just sits there on the biscuit tin on the bar. Barman's right gettin' the hump now, just when the guy walks in again. "Oi!" says the barman, "This duck you sold me's a dud, it doesn't dance!" The guy looks surprised and says, "Hang on, let me have a look." So he takes the duck off the biscuit tin and puts it in the bar, then he takes the lid off the biscuit tin and has a look inside. "Oh, no wonder!" he says, "You forgot to light the candle."
An old Scotsman had a routine for cold weather When it got cold, he'd cup his hands around a candle and get his face close to his hands When it got really cold, he'd light the candle.
It was Xmas Eve a couple doing last minute shopping when her husband disappeared she phoned him on his mobile, "Where are you?? In a calm voice, he replied. "Darling remember the jewellery shop we went in 5 years ago and you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I said one day I would get it for you" her eyes filled with tears, yes I remember" she said. Well I'm in the pub next door to that.
My missus just asked, "Can you get some bleach and some washing powder whilst you're out?" "Can you not wait until you've opened your Christmas presents?" I replied.
