Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. ' She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his Pants down.' So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'
A guy walks into a library and says 'Have you got a book on suicide' and the librarian says 'Sod off you wont bring it back'
A guy has a pet duck and they are inseparable. Walking past the local cinema one evening, duck under his arm, man notices a one off showing of his favourite movie Casablanca, is due to start in 15 minutes. He goes to the box office to buy a ticket but is refused entry with the duck. Desperate to see the film, the man hides the duck down his trousers and returns to the box office, buys a ticket and goes to the rear stalls. During the performance, the duck becomes restless. So as not the cause a fuss, the man opens his zip fly and the duck pops his head out for fresh air. A courting couple are sitting next to the man, and the girl nudges her boyfriend , and whispers, "Fred. The man next to me has got his 'thing' out" Boyfriend, " Don't fuss. You've seen one before" Girl, "I know, but this one is eating my popcorn"
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Not funny, but interesting, I thought . . . . I read something very interesting today, about why we should spend and pay everything with cash. If I spend £20 on a meal, the owner will take my £20 and spend that on a hair cut, the barber will spend that £20 on a taxi, the taxi driver then spends that at the local butchers. In all of these transactions the £20 stays as £20 and everyone receives the full benefit. If you paid by credit, the bank takes a cut and charges a transactions fee/percentage of each one, so let's assume that it's 50p by the time it gets to the butchers, everyone would have paid £2 to the bank out of the £20. Some retailers online still pass on that 50p charge to the customer, but let's just say that it will not show on the invoice (other than in the total amount), and because it's only 50p there's a very high likelyhood that the customer may not challenge it, and for those that do they just refund it. I can't think in any scenario that anyone would take it to the Financial Ombudsman, so it will just continue to happen, even though surcharges are illegal now. Interesting
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist . . . . he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer.” Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the pharmacist, and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told said "Now, just a minute, and listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about two miles from the store, I got a puncture. When I finally got to the pharmacy a queue of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the shop opened and started serving these people, and all of the time the damn phone was ringing." He continued "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the till drawer for some change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase full of perfume bottles. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer . . . . and believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all that I did was tell her”
I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is a young female and drop-dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out." I said, "My wife thinks my c*ck tastes funny.".
