Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Ouch !

 

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm.. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.
Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your old man still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'



The kid went on to be a successful lawyer with Slater and Gordon.

 

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An Asian fellow has moved in next door.
He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain.
It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

 

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter',who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

 

Today's riddle for seniors...Here is the situation:
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop-off.
On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to
Overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation ?




Get your drunken arse off the merry-go-round and go home!

 

A man was watering his lawn one day when he saw two hearses followed by a man, his dog and a single file line of about 200 men. He thought this was very strange so he asked the guy (with the dog) what was going on.

"That's my wife in the first hearse, my dog bit her and she died" the man answered.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that" the guy watering his lawn said. "What about the second hearse?"

"Well that's my mother-in-law, my dog also bit her and she died".

The guy watering his lawn thought for a minute and said "Can I borrow your dog?"

The man with the dog responded "Back of the line!"

 

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth.

The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc.

The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby.

The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?"

"Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

 

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”


The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”


The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”


The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.


The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

 

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too f*cking late pal! - I've already done the paperwork

 

I came out of Asda yesterday, and standing beside the car I watched another car coming straight towards me, crashing into the car and making a total mess of the rear end.
A young man comes running out of the other car, having been learning to drive with his older brother.
I asked them if they were ok, which they luckily were.
The oldest immediately offered me £1,500 for the damages, to avoid having to call the insurance company or the police.
I said that I would be quite ok with that, and that I'd been young and had accidents, too.
The oldest ran to the ATM and came back with the cash, shook my hand and said that I was a wonderful human being, and they left, happy and relieved.
It was a rather funny situation, and I'm still wondering about whose car it was that they hit !

 

Another owldy

 

New age dictionary . . . .

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye

CHICKENS: The only animals that you eat before they are born and after they are dead

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies more

RAISIN: A grape that got too much sun

SECRET: Something that you tell one person at a time

SKELETON: A lot of bones with the person scraped off

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed

WRINKLES: Something that other people have, similar to my character lines

 

The earth is rotating at over 1000 miles per hour, but humans don't feel the effect of it . . . . until the 9th or 10th pint.

 

So true . . . .

 

A man takes his sick dog to the vets
The vet takes them into a back room
A Labrador comes in and sniff’s the dog for ten mins then leaves
A cat the comes in and looks at the dog for ten mins then leaves
Finally the vet gives him some medicine and gives him a £250 bill
The man says there must be a mistake I’ve been here 20 mins and you charge me £250
No mistake says the vet
£100 for the lab test £100 for the cat scan and £50 for the medication