Grandpa and the Australian Taxation Office The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office. The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Hold it firmly in your hand Put it in your mouth Lick it to straighten it If that doesn’t work suck it Now you can put it in the hole Threading a needle is so hard
"Is that the Ballycashel Echo?" asks Mick. "How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?" "Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?" "A ten-foot ladder," said Mick before slamming the phone down.
Did you know that if you have a breakdown in an electric car you can still use the AA… However if it's a small electric car you have to use the AAA.
David Beckham gets into a taxi at Qatar airport, he sees the driver looking at him for about 5 minutes in the rear view mirror. Eventually the driver says “ok, give us a clue then?” Beckham sigh's and replies “well I had a glittering career for Man United, married a Spice Girl and played over 100 times for England, is that enough?”. Driver says “no you thick c*nt, where are you going!?”
Looks like JJ is in trouble. Violent conduct indeed. Surely it should have been a straight red for that tackle on Scowen. Alfie suspended; reached his yellow card limit. First time we had a full team out for ages and look what happens
Reading between the lines the outlook for the club is beginning to look depressing. Not so long ago it all looked great
1. Problem with the Trust owning 25%. Means that every penny RC spends on improvements etc, the Trust must meet 25% of the cost, and they don't have the money available. RC seems to be frustrated by this and wants to buy out the Trust. Scepticism about his plans (eg expanding the capacity of the ground when we can't fill it now) 2. PC, previously a very keen fan, seems to have lost interest. Apparently, a visa problem but this is viewed with some scepticism 3. RC talking about an exit plan. Maybe just business sense but on top of the discontent is it a veiled threat? 4. RC wants to buy the ground - could be his way of making a profit if all else goes tits up 5. Discontent amongst trust members and other fans who appear to be questioning RC's integrity. That won't help matters 6. Team not performing. Losing to Walsall was poor and not doing as well as hoped in the League must be making RC wonder if he was over optimistic about owning a Championship club 7. Growing concern about GA's ability to take us further 8. Criticism of the transfer window activity and standard of acquisitions 7. The £3m operating loss surely wasn't part of the "sustainable model" All in all, it looks as though, financially, we could be on a slippery slope which, ultimately, could force us into either selling the ground or putting it up as security in order to borrow or repay debts. If we concede to RC it might work or it might just leave us in a desperate situation. If we don't and he leaves, we're ****ed Although the Trust owns the ground? I wonder if they are tied as to what they could do with it (eg could they sell it if they thought it was a good option)? I did once suggest that, maybe, with help from the council, they could obtain planning permission to develop the ground and sell it for a fortune. Then the Council give planning permission for a new stadium on a site closer to the town with good access. No idea of the figures that could be involved but I suggested planning permission for a grand stadium but implement in stages depending on finances (ie initially just big enough to pack in the fans but developed within a grander plan) The council could add a bit to rates etc to help fund the club's progress
