The teacher said "Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775 " he said. "Very good!" "Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863". "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961". The teacher snapped at the class "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do". She heard a loud whisper: "f**k the Japs". "WHO SAID THAT? I want to know right now!" she angrily demanded. Little Akio put his hand up "General MacArthur, 1945". At that point, a student in the back said "I'm gonna puke". The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now who said that?" Again, Little Akio says "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991". Now furious, another student yells "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little ****! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004". The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said "Oh s**t, we're screwed!" Little Akio said quietly "The Labour party if Scotland goes independent".
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into my garden. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my garden, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.” The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with a non-stop chatting wife, six children, two under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem... A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate"... The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint... A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit... The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part"... Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint... The couple days later he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of raspberry caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple"
After my wife and I have sex I always like to smoke a cigarette. It's the same packet I bought back in 1975 !..........
One day a bus driver went to the bus garage started his bus and drove off along the route. No problem for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well. At the next stop, however,a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet height, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, “ Big John doesn't have to pay! The driver was five feet three,thin, and basically meek. Naturally,he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that.. This went on and the driver started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building course, karate, judo and all that stuff. By the end of the summer,he had become quite strong and the big thing is that he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday when Big John once again got on the bus and said, “Big John doesn't pay!” The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger and screamed, “And why not?” With a surprised look on his face Big John replied, “ Big John has a bus pass."
In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied, *"How very sporting of your mother!"*
