Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods meet at a fund raiser. Woods turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?" Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now." Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right. Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?" Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?" Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But, how do you putt?", asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Woods asks: "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick a night."
Putin dies and goes to Hell. After a good while, he is given a day off for good behaviour. He returns to Moscow, walks into a bar, orders a large vodka and asks the barman 'Is Crimea ours'? Yes, replies the barman. And the Donbas? Also ours. Kyiv? We got that too. Satisfied, Putin downs his vodka and says to the barman, how much do I owe you. 12 Euros please.
Blonde walks into a doctor's office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
I was going down on this bird the other night when there was an awful smell . . . . "what the **** is that smell ?" I asked. She replied "Sorry about that . . . . it's my arthritis" I said "what . . . . in your fanny ?" "No . . . . it's in my shoulders, and I can't wipe my arse"
I'm not saying the wife is a fat greedy tw*t. But she's just cleaned the oven with two slices of bread.
