Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

I said to the baker..
"How come all your cakes are 50p and that one's £1"
He said..." that's Madeira cake"

 

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"

"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

 

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I just had a walk round town and bizarrely the nail bars, beauty parlours, tanning studios and hairdressers are all closed . . . . it's gonna get ugly.

 

I'm going to KFC tonight.
I'm thinking about ordering 10 pieces of chicken, some fries, a couple of sides and a large Pepsi . . . . it's on my bucket list.

 

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek
But Mabel hasn't weathered well
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple of minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!

 

Here's a happy fella . . . .

 

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled 20 Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

He said “No!”trying to hide his arousal.

She said….. “Check the garage.”

 

The Edinburgh fridge festival isn't all that it's cracked up to be . . . .

 

I've just been reading about an American tourist who informed his tour guide that they should have thought more about where they were building the castle, saying that if they had built it on level ground and there wasn’t so much climbing they would get even more visitors.