A lovely woman from County died. She found herself outside a beautiful garden with splashing fountains and bright flowers; but she was alone and the gate was locked. When St. Peter finally came by, the woman said to him, "This is surely a wonderful place It must be heaven. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," said the saint. "What word might that be?" "Love." said he. Well , she spelled it all right and was admitted through the Gates of Heaven. About a year later, St. Peter asked this woman if she would mind guarding the Gates a short while for him. While she was waiting, her husband arrived. "How've you been?" she asked. "Oh, not bad," he said. "I married the pretty nurse who took care of you, and then I won the lottery. I sold our little cottage and bought a lovely mansion. My wife and I traveled 'round the world. Today I was skiing and broke my neck and...and here I am. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word." "What word?" "Czechoslovakia"
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Started my job at the Samaritans last week. Tried to ring in sick today and the buggers talked me out of it...
I couldn’t afford to take the kids to Sea World. So I took them to the fish market, and told them they had to be quiet, because the fish were all sleeping.....
A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon load of corn. A farmer, who lived nearby, heard the noise and yelled to the boy, "Hey, Willis, forget your troubles and come in for a visit. I'll help you pick the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but Pa wouldn't like me to." "Aw, come on, boy," the farmer insisted. "Well, OK" the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish," the neighbor said with a smile; "by the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon," replied the boy.
