18 year old niece came to stay and after a few days she said "is there a poltergeist here, my underwear keeps disappearing" i replied "i don't think they exist" she said "well i was walking past your bedroom and saw 2 pair sticking out from under the bed".......i said "yeah probably right,poltergeist"
Bet council estate gardens are rammed ta’day in this heat shagga, lasses sat there, kite hanging ova Paul’s Boutique bikini pants, wheelybin ova’flowing, butterfly’s painted ont fence, burst paddlin pool int corner, dolphin tattoo rarnd belly button, tribal ont shoulder blade, rolling a drum backy rolly, fake leopard print Gucci sandals, 3 parnd Aldi Prosecco int BNM love laugh live plastic cups, bassline music coming arta bluetooth speaker, tekin selfies wi fotty six filters on, uploading em ta Facebook wi “look like death, just me n mi kids from now on” caption so all mates write “absolute babe, inbox me hun” int comments, tekin sun in wi fotty nine quid shellac nails on while 12 kids are running rarnd garden wi saggy nappy’s, Batman crocs, snot or’lor wicket, eating choc ices, belting balls at next doors winda and asking postman if it’s their dad, sithiiiiiiiii. YARKSHIREEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
apparently at the open golf last week a spectator fell 20 ft from a viewing platform into a container filled with old golf clubs destined for recycling, paramedics took him to hospital and stressed that he should recover but that he's not totally out of the woods yet
i would like to give my old science teacher a retrospective bollocking, i distinctively remember him saying no two snowflakes are the same.......wanna bet teach they're all identical today
please log in to view this image Goes in Orange, comes out Raspberry - and watch out if it has a flake with a bit of string on it!
A man, an ostrich, and a cat A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?" The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?" The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?" The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?" The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy." The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?" The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
As my flatmate Paddy headed towards the front door this morning, I said to him, "Where the f*ck are you going dressed like that?" "To Dave's fancy dress party," he replied. "I'm a tortoise." I said, "His party is not until tomorrow night!" He said, "I know, but I'm a tortoise."
