I called the coastguard and told them that my friend had fallen out of my boat into the ocean. They said "Can you be more Pacific ?"
I only realized that I live in a bad neighborhood when I paid my rent on time and the police came around the next day to ask me where i got the money from.
So in the spirit of Wimbledon I bought myself a punnet of strawberries and looked to the internet for the best way to serve them . It said halve them, dust lightly with icing sugar and pile cream on top ! Word to the wise, pile cream tastes ****ing disgusting .
An Irish daughter had not been home for over ten years: Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?" The girl, crying, replied. (Sniff, sniff) "Dad, I was too embarrassed, I became a prostitute!" "Ye what? Get out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are." "OK, Daddy, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, a title deed to a eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million check. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club. She takes a breath and continues and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean!" "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" Says Daddy. Girl, crying again says. (Sniff, sniff) "A prostitute Daddy!" "Oh Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl. I thought ye said a PROTESTANT.
