Before anyone picks on me I know the last digit should be 8 because a 9 follows the 7 and you should round up but hey ho whats life without whimsy
paddy buys a chainsaw the shop guy tells him its guarenteed to cut down 40 trees an hour. Paddy sets of and gets to work after an hour hes only cut 20 trees down and storms back into the shop and shouts ive only managed to cut 20 trees down in an hour its crap !! the shop guy takes the chainsaw off him looks at it then starts it up. Paddy shouts whats that fkin noise ??
An old woman walks into a bank with a carrier bag full of money and the bank manager asks her why she is carrying so much cash ? well she says im 93 years old and im a proffesional gambler and i want to put it in your bank ! the manager is amazed and says you must be joking ? well she says i bet you all my cash that your balls are square ! the bank manager says dont be daft thier round ! well i bet you my £50k cash thier square ! ok then he says you got a bet. The old woman says right then ill be here tomorrow at 1pm with my barister to witness the bet is all above board ok ! yes says the banker that night he asks his wife my balls are round arent they ? yes dear she says .So 1pm next day the old lady comes in with her barrister and says you will have to let me hold youre balls in my hands ! ok he says and she cups them in both hands with that he asks her why is youre barrister crying ? Well she says i bet him £100k a couple of days ago that i would be holding my bank managers balls in my hands at 1pm today !
2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. "R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the b*****ds have managed to nick a motorbike already".
.A Muslim athlete has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police suspect it's race related...
An African lady called Betty came into my restaurant and asked "Is there any chicken on the menu?" I replied "No black Betty, it's ham or lamb."
The wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lottery and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings." A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and I played the lottery and we won again, so I bought It with my share of the winnings." Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari.......You guessed it !!! Her share of the lottery winnings.... That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while She gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug. "What the f*ck is this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your f*cking lottery ticket wet, do we??"
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac ? A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for £250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day. The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died." Tommy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back. That's fine." The farmer said, "Sorry, I can't do that. I went and spent it already." Tommy then said, "Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse." The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, "Why? What ya gonna do with him?" Tommy replied, "I’m going to raffle him off." The farmer laughed and said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse! Who'd buy a ticket?" Tommy answered, "Sure I can, just watch me. I just won't tell anybody the horse is dead." A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, "What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?" Tommy said, "I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at £5 a piece." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Tommy smiled and said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back."
