Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

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I went for a walk with my new girlfriend when we saw two dogs mating and she said 'how does the male know when the female is ready for sex'?
I replied 'he can smell when she is ready . . . . thats how nature works'
We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the yew, and again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the yew was ready for sex.
I replied 'its nature . . . . he can smell that she is ready'!
We then went past a cow field and the bull was mating the cow, so my girlfriend said 'This is odd. They are all at it. Surely the bull can’t smell when she is ready'
I said 'look . . . . it's nature, and all animals can smell when the female is ready for sex.'
Anyway, after the walk I took her home and kissed her goodbye. She said 'see you soon, I hope that your bloody cold gets better'

 

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The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie" the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam. "No, I must see Valerie" he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied "Edinburgh". "Really" she said. "I have family in Edinburgh..."
"I know". the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

 

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too f*cking late pal! - I've already done the paperwork!"

 

If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they'll have disappeared...

 

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse".
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful" said Frank "But it could have been worse". "How in the hell" asked his bewildered friend "Could it have been worse?"
"Well" replied Frank "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

 

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her trousers off, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having s*x with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!"

 

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent £5,000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 

Thought it was time to better myself and improve my options so signed up for an educational course . It’s all about picking locks.
Think its going to open up a lot of doors for me .

 

I thought this was common knowledge

 

'One beer per day, with or without alcohol'

WTF man, be careful - wag's might get to see this and we'll never hear the end of it!

 

They can actually read? Just say "it's been on the news that blokes need to get pissed to stay alive." Scientifically proven now as far as I'm concerned.

 

This is the key bit, and couldn't agree more.
I'm off to have a shower, before I continue to improve my gut health.

 

Got to look after yourself mate. Stay safe.