A pub owned by cricketer Stuart Broad has been badly damaged by a fire. When asked what stage the fire was at Mr Broad replied, "Not out."
I wish that I hadn't wasted so much of my life creating wacky sci-fi inventions . . . . that time machine alone must've set me back 15 years.
I was talking to my Chinese neighbour when I said "Where are you off to dressed as Jack Sparrow ?" She replied "I am off to the sports centre for my pilates session."
FEEL SAFE AT HOME AT LAST! Hi this works 100% !!!! I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch. I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the centre. The local police, MI5 and other intelligence services are all now watching my house 24/7. I've never felt safer. Oh by the way, the beard is coming on a treat.
A man walks into an Ann Summers shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him Upstairs the wife thinks: “I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself.” So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop The Hospital report says signs are looking good for a recovery
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat." "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor askes her what had happened. She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone. "Well that explains one ear, but what about the other." "The bastard called again"
