A Russian soldier ran up to a nun in downtown Moscow. Out of breath he asked, "Sister, please may I hide under you skirt, I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later, two military policemen ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun, pointing, replied, "He went that way." After the military police ran off, the solider crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister!" "You see, I don't want to go to Ukraine." The nun replied, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not being rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun smiled, "If you had looked a little higher, you'd have seen a great pair of balls too." "I don't want to go to Ukraine either....."
I’ve got a 1998 Ford Fiesta with a full tank of petrol . . . . I'm looking to swap for a 4 bed detached house.
A work colleague of mine called Jack texted me his new number earlier, and my reply was . . . . I know two Jasons . . . . one is my friend, Jack Hedley, and the other is some dickhead from work. Which one are you ?
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we don't want children. If any body does, please list your contact information. We can drop them off tomorrow.
Scotland play Ukraine next week in a World Cup play off match. Virtually the whole of Europe will be without doubt supporting the country that has suffered so much torment and heartache at the hands of an immoral leader and will be hoping for a decent win that would bring a much needed lift to a desperate population. ....... On the other hand, I'm sure there will be a few who'd prefer a Ukraine win.
True Story When my oldest sister started nurse training in 1969 one of her nurse tutors did this with a demo of testing a diabetic's urine.
It's so heartbreaking when you finally find someone you're really attracted to and then they close their curtains.
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem that he has getting a close shave around his cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave that the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
A very old lady realises that she’s seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart, and not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him about the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located approximately two inches below the left nipple. The senior lady hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself just above her left knee.
I asked my GP if there was anything better than over the counter hemorrhoids stuff because I was trying to avoid the time off work for surgery. She suggested using teabags as a cold compress 'cos the tea shrinks them and soothes some of the pain. I decided to try it, but I only ever use loose leaf tea, although the principle’s the same, so I scooped the leaves out of the cold pot and used a wad of kitchenroll to hold them in place. A couple of week’s later and I’m back at the Doctors. She gets me to drop my trousers and lie on the couch on one side. I hear her draw up her chair, the lights dimmed slightly and she said. “Well, your hemorrhoids aren’t getting any better, but you are going on a journey. You will meet a tall dark handsome stranger . . . .”
