Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony.. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.' Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. That's the best part, 'St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' 'No gym to work out at?' said Tony 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.' Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f*cking Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
A Chelsea fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It"s my first wife"s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt" But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again. The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks. "Please tie the Scouser to my back."
I was in a queue at a newsagents and there was a little girl wanting to buy a cream egg, which was the last one. She offered it to the rest of the queue but everyone refused. The egg was 70p but she only had 48p. "It's my favourite and they taste really nice" she said. The shopkeeper replied "sorry but it costs 70p" So I stepped forward and paid for the egg. She was right . . . . it tasted really nice.
Putin dies suddenly and goes straight to hell. After a year or so the Devil calls him into his office to tell him that as he's been so well behaved since his arrival he was giving him a treat by allowing him a one day visit to his beloved Moscow. Next morning Putin arrived in Red Square and heads straight to a bar ordering a double vodka. He asks the barman how the war in Ukraine was going and the barman was happy to tell him it was all finished. "Didd we capture Maluopol", " yes"says the barman "What about the Dombas region", "yes" says the barman that as well it's all over now. "Bloody hell" says Putin "what about Kyiv then, we can't have got that surely", "Why yes" says the barman "like I said it's all over now and everybody is really pleased". Flabbergasted Putin gets down off the barstool and asks the barman "How much do I owe you my friend"and the barman replies "That'll be five euros comrad"
As it happens I am anti dandelion. Over the years I have managed to eliminate them from the back garden.. Obviously some weird phobia?
Not really Pitt, first sign of one popping up on my front grass ( can't in all honesty call it a lawn, but I'm getting there) and I'm digging it out roots and all. Unfortunately the old lass next door is cultivating them so it's a losing battle
Twice a year I put down lawn feed/weed killer. For the 'hello mates' I dig the root out and squirt a stronger weed killer. I reckon the nasty yellow weed (nice as a tea?) Will always pop up cos of seeds blown from elsewhere... but like our team, nil desperandum. We have something called self-heal growing as well, quite like that.
