Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

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A mate said "who do you reckon was the first pin up boy ?"
I said "probably James Dean or Elvis"

He said "surely it was Jesus"

 

My son said he was taking a girl he liked to the cinema and wanted £50 off me.
I asked if he'd be buying popcorn, sweets and Cokes and he said yes. I replied,
"Here, you'd better take £100."

 

A man walks into a bar and sits waiting for the bartender to walk over.
The bartender says,
"What'll you have?"
Asks the bartender.
The man says,
"Look mate I don't have much cash..."
"How about this - If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, and then says,
"OK fair enough - but it had better be a really really good one."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano and piano stool.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, sits down and proceeds to play the blues.
Amazed, the bartender pours the guy a drink.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender,
"Right then - how about this..."
"If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first one.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him £5,000 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry - thanks for the offer,"
He replies,
"But he's not for sale."
The stranger then increases the offer to £15,000 cash up front.
"No,"
Insists the man,
"Look, I admit that it's a pretty tempting offer but I told you, he's not for sale."
Desperate to buy the talented singing frog the stranger again increases the offer, this time to £25,000 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you crazy?"
Asks the bartender.
"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £25,000!"
"Don't worry about it."
The man answered.
"The frog was really nothing special."
Astounded the barman says,
"What do you mean nothing special?"
"It's an amazing blues singing bullfrog mate!"
Nah says the man,
"You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

 

Properly made me laugh out loud that one

 

I thought I knew the punchline but yes it deffo caught me out.

 

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Mary answers a knock on her door.
John, her husband's boss down at the brewery, was standing there and he said,
" Hi Mary, unfortunately your husband, Greg, had an accident at work today and passed away."
She starts crying and asks what happened.
"He fell into a full vat of beer and drowned " he replied.
"Oh, no. I hope he didn't suffer a lot." She sobbed.
"I don't think he suffered too much, he got out three times to go to the toilet!"

 

My wife called me last week and said 'Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentine's day; they're absolutely gorgeous!'

I said 'That's probably why they've received flowers then.'

 

BREAKING NEWS:

Heathrow Airport police are concerned about a number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage.

Cases continue to rise !

 

I saw a sign on the train that said "Please give this seat to an elderly person" . . . . so I unscrewed it and took it to my grandma's house.