So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said: 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said: "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said: 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. A policeman came up and said: 'What happened to you?' and I said: 'I careered off the road'.
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied stripper... Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God..'.
God (in the Garden of Eden):”This is Eve, your mate.” Adam “Ok but who’s that?” and he points to an old man smoking a ciggie. God: “Oh that’s Keith Richards, he was here when I got here.”
I went to the supermarket helpdesk, and said to the assistant "I've just bought some deodorant, and two bodyguards followed me back to my car, what's going on??". He said "You've got 24 hour protection mate".
Chap sent a photo of his wife to enter her in a new reality show. They sent it back thanking him but pointed out he may have got the program title wrong. It was called Fact Hunt.
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal.The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and hehappily agreed to take the test. Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9..' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.' And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade' But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'The principal and Harry both agree. Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..' Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief….. Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.. Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and adog does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question…… Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?' Harry: 'Firetruck.' The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, "Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself..."
So I've just joined a brass band... I keep borrowing everybody else's instruments as I've never been one to blow my own trumpet.
