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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    A man and his ever-nagging wife went on holiday to Jerusalem, and while they were there the wife passed away.
    The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for £150 or we can have her shipped back home for £5,000."
    The husband thought about it and told the undertaker that he would have her shipped back home.
    The undertaker said "why would you spend £5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost £150 ?"
    The husband replied "Long ago, a man died and was buried here, then three days later he rose from the dead, and I just can't take that chance"
     
    #12161
    Gordon Armstrong, Mar 20, 2022
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  2. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    upload_2022-3-20_19-48-36.png
     
    #12162
    Gordon Armstrong, Mar 20, 2022
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  3. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    upload_2022-3-21_6-55-12.png
     
    #12163
    Gordon Armstrong, Mar 21, 2022
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  4. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    #12164
    Gordon Armstrong, Mar 21, 2022
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  5. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #12165
    Makemstine Roger, Mar 21, 2022
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  6. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    upload_2022-3-21_19-19-25.png
     
    #12166
    Gordon Armstrong, Mar 21, 2022
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  7. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    Frank Lampard Jnr after being Everton Manager for 6 weeks:

    please log in to view this image
     
    #12167
    Taffvalerowdy, Mar 21, 2022
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    On the 1st of April all petrol stations will slash 50% off petrol and diesel.

    It's called April Fuels day....
     
    #12168
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 21, 2022
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Husband arrives home late for dinner, disgruntled wife says why are you so late.

    He says well i was in the yacht club and the President kept insisting on buying me drinks.

    Why would he do that she said.

    Well the other day he put a big tear in the sail of his yacht and I managed to find him a replacement.

    Oh yeah, she said, and where did you manage to find one. In the drawer where you keep your knickers he replied........
     
    #12169
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 21, 2022
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    So I went into my local workmen's café this morning and said: "Can I have a cold mug of tea, two bits of bacon so hard I can break a tooth, cold baked beans, two cold half cooked eggs and can you make sure the top comes off the salt and don't wash up the knife and fork".
    The woman serving says: "That sounds disgusting! There is no way we can do that!"
    I said: "You managed it yesterday!!"
     
    #12170
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 21, 2022
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  11. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    #12171
    Gordon Armstrong, Mar 22, 2022
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  12. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #12172
    Makemstine Roger, Mar 22, 2022
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  13. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #12173
    Makemstine Roger, Mar 22, 2022
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  14. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    #12174
    Gordon Armstrong, Mar 22, 2022
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #12175
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 22, 2022
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #12176
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 22, 2022
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My job search:

    My first job was working in an orange juice factory but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack but I just couldn't hack it so they gave me the axe. After that , I tried being a tailor but I wasn't suited for it.. mainly because it was a sew-sew job. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. Then I tried being a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme. Next I attempted being a deli worker but any way I sliced it, I just couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was a musician but I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor but I had no patients. Next I had a job in a shoe factory but no matter how hard I tried, I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman but I discovered I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company but the work was too draining. So then I got a job in a workout center but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
     
    #12177
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 22, 2022
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #12178
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 22, 2022
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
    Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what
    kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess.
    The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so
    they begged their dad for the clue.
    Well, he said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes".
    The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it, it's an asshole".
     
    #12179
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 22, 2022
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A lorry carrying 20 tons of onions has overturned on the M25 motorway.

    Motorists are looking for a hard shoulder to cry on....
     
    #12180
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 22, 2022
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Page 609 of 830
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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