A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys noticed his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home. First they stood him up to get to his wallet so they could find out where he lives, but he kept falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud. After they got to his house, he fell down another four times on the way to the door. His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home." The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?" The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.
A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde. "I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you close the deal for £65, 000 to the lovely young lady there. You told us there could be no discount on this model." "Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman. Just then, the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys. "There you go Dad," she said. "I told you I could get the tosser to reduce the price!”
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures. Over a double latte, Alexandros mentions proudly: "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo." "Aye,” Paddy replies, “and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices." "But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics", said Alexandros. "Granted,” Paddy concedes, “but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces." Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, Alexandros, the proud son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!" "Aye! True enough,” Paddy rebuked, "but it was the Irish who got women involved."
A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go." The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!! The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir.”
MI5 had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two women and a man. For the final test, the MI5 agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair .... Kill him!!' The woman said, 'You can't be serious I could never shoot my husband .' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right woman for this job. Take your husband and go home.' The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet forabout 5 minutes. The woman came out with tears in her eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my husband .' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your husband and go home.' Finally, it was the man’s turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' he said. 'I had to kill her with the f*cking chair!'
Dave, John and Paddy are working on some roadworks in the middle of the town centre. All of them are claiming benefits and working on the side. The foreman gives them their instructions and says "Remember if the inspector from the benifit fraud office catches you to give him a false name". Paddy says "Yes boss, but what if we can't think of one fast enough?" The foreman replies "Look, it's bloody easy, just look around and use one of the names of the shops". An hour passes and the benefit fraud officer turns up "Right then you three, you are under suspicion of working whilst claiming benefits. give me your names!" Dave looks around and says " David Woolworths". John looks around and answers "John Tesco". The inspector then turns to Paddy "And you, what's your name?" Paddy says "Ken!" The inspector says "And your second name?" Paddy replies "Tucky fried chicken".
Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and turn into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. “Mum, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane......” At this point Mummy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.” At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, “I was at the playground, and I saw my Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a Big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy goes away on a trip.” Mummy threw up!
