Tearful farewell at This Morning studios, as 'brave' Philip Schofield sets off for battle on the Ukrainian front lines.
didn't think there were that many mens toilets on the front line, and if he tries his bentness on Ukrainians he will get a free fat lip.
An undercover cop called at my farm... “I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said. “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied. The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the f*ck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this f*cking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the f*ck I want, have I made myself clear?!” I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your f*cking badge!”
A Cornish farmer who wants a divorce goes to see a lawyer. The farmer says "Oi wants to get wan of them dayvorces" Lawyer..."Do you have grounds? Farmer... "Yes, I gots me 40 acres" Lawyer "No, you dont understand, do you have a suit?" Farmer..."Yes, oi wears it to church on Sundays" Lawyer..."No, I mean do you have a grudge? Farmer..."Yes, that's where I park the tractor" Lawyer..."Does your wife beat you up?" Farmer..."No, we both get up at 5.30" Lawyer gets annoyed & tries one last question..."Is your wife a nagger?... "No, she's white, but the baby's a nagger, that's why I wants a f*ckin dayvorce!!
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND. HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE." BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET." MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?" BILLY SAYS: "IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!"
A mother in-law said to her sons wife when the baby was born "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn’t look anything like my son" The daughter inlaw lifted her skirt and said... "I don't mean to be rude either but this is a fanny not a ****ing photo copier !!"
