Out walking last night decided to take short cut through the Cemetery. 2 youngns came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me I said yes As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive they didnt bloody stop long
Walkers Crisps have announced that, after 74 years of production, they are just about to finish their first sack of potatoes
mate i find it amazing how much air they can inflate into a family pack of crisps even Paul Daniels couldn't work that trick , 8 crisps in each pack anarl
A man sees a lady with big breasts. He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for £1000?" She agrees. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive!"
I got home from work to find that my kids have been on eBay all day. If they're still on there tomorrow, I'll lower their price.
Stallone: I'm making a fictional documentary about composers. I'm playing Vivaldi, any preferences? Van Damme: I'll be Mozart Schwarzenegger: I'll be Bach
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the Emergency Room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting Off your finger?' 'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & Then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the Trigger.
I've noticed that there's a shocking amount of sex on TV these days. Especially when the wife's gone out.
Given the rise of "Cancel Culture" I've been thinking..... How the hell did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy suddenly become offended by absolutely everything?
So God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me." Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?" God Said, "Go down Into that Valley." Adam said, "What's A valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River." Adam said, "What's a River?" God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the Hill....." Adam said, "What is a Hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On The Other side of the Hill you will find a Cave." Adam said, 'What's a Cave?' After God explained, He Said, "In the cave you will find a woman." Adam said, "What's a Woman?' So God explained That to him, too. Then, God said, 'I Want you To Reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do That?" God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down Into The valley, Across the river, and Over the hill, Into the Cave, and finds the Woman. Then, in five minutes, he was back. God, His patience wearing thin, said Angrily, "What is It Now?" And Adam said.... "What's a Headache?
