my mate has just come back from istanbul and was telling me he stumbled across a locals turkish baths establishment a proper authentic one, proper face and neck shave with the knife sharpened on a stone,ear and nose singed followed by chest,back and arse crack wax he said he couldn't believe how good the wife looked
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it. The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course the Madam said 'No'. after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.' Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?' He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.' Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?' He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the Bastard who ran over my FROG!'
A man walks into a bar and it's empty - it's just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink. He hears someone whisper, "Pssst...I like your tie." The man looks around but doesn't see anyone. "Pssst...that colour looks nice on you." He asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but...are you speaking to me?" The bartender rolls his eyes and says, "No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."
At the Pearly Gates !! Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. The Angel tells them unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.' The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. Without saying a word, the Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.' Dolly is outraged and screams, 'What was that all about? show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Explain that to me!' 'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.........
Keir Starmer was visiting a Northern Ireland primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Starmer if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So, Britain's illustrious opposition leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' Incorrect,' said Starmer. being barrister trained'That would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not', explained Starmer, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Starmer searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you, Mr. Corbyn and Mr. Miliband was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic' exclaimed Starmer, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a ****ing accident either!'
Probably better if when using re-cycled jokes you do a "search and replace" I wondered who this Cameron was in line 7 was!!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.
My mate texted me "Who sang 'That's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, I really love your tiger feet' " I replied "Mud" He texted back.... "That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right...." Bastard.
if you are thinking of getting wed then really all you need to know about it is that 95% of the time is spent shouting "what" from the other room
