Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Two businessmen in the centre of town were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up:
One said to the other.
“I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window and ask what we’re selling?”
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek and in a soft voice asked.
“What are you selling here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically.
“We’re selling arseh0les.”
Without skipping a beat, the old woman said.
“Must be doing well, only two left.”

 

Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots,
So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
“Notice anything different about me?”
Margaret, age 75, looked him over. “Nope.”
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
“Notice anything different NOW?”
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan,
“Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Bert yelled,
“AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?”
“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied. “IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!”
Without missing a beat Margaret replied,
“Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! … Shoulda bought a hat.”

 

lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that pensioners are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the pensioner would like to play a fun game.
The pensioner is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun….
“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only £5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you £500.00,” he says.
This catches the pensioner’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”
The pensioner doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-Pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the pensioner’s turn. He asks the lawyer,
“What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the pensioner and hands him £500.00.
The pensioner pockets the £500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the pensioner up and asks,
“Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The pensioner reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer £5.00, and goes back to sleep.

 

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.


'From now on when I say BELL1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.
' The next night he came home from work and yelled
'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.


When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?


'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

 

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now.......

 

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Could have put this in the non Sunderland games thread but thought it was canny funny.........

 

Feckin love Gail me!!



Bart