Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Speaking as somebody that’s lost 18lbs since the New Year and did Dry January, I can identify with this.

 

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usually if i cant see them on my phone i can on the computer
same if i cant see them on the computer

 

no

 

hello Houston we have a problem

 

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag ...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
and at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope
and in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
and then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago
I might have had a peek
but Mabel hasn't weathered well
She's eighty four next week !
Watching Mabel bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer
and things then went from bad to worse
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet
a couple minutes later
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator !"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit !
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out
My God what had I done !
She moaned and groaned, then shouted out:
"Step on the other one !"
Well readers, I can tell no more
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey !

 

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I might have a look for it later
If I can be bothered

 

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica .
They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when
they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a
... Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

 

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now..

 

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.


'From now on when I say BELL1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.
' The next night he came home from work and yelled
'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.


When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?


'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'