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Team Boris supporters were confident they had backed the right horse. Then he opened his mouth
Just when you thought the PM was out of the mess, he fell on his face – as he misread a parliament wanting contrition, not counter-attack

TIM STANLEY31 January 2022 • 6:49pm

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Poor Boris. Just when you think he is out of the soup, he falls flat face back in it – and once again, he tripped over his own words.

The day started well with the publication of the Sue Gray report, which took two minutes to read. With the main work handed over to the police, its most shocking claim was that an "excessive consumption of alcohol is not appropriate in a professional workplace at any time" - from which we can infer that there is a necessary level of drinking in a well-run office. You do not have to be drunk to work in Number 10, but I am told it helps.

Armed with if not a whitewash then at least a damp squib, the Prime Minister arrived at 3.30pm to a packed House, surrounded by Rishi Sunak, Thérèse Coffey and about a dozen MPs whom he gamely pretended to know.

As he took his seat, his consigliere, Conor Burns, positioned himself behind to whisper in his ear - there was an air of confidence in Team Boris, a sense that they had backed the right horse and everyone who called him toast looked very silly.

Then he opened his mouth.

Big Dog began with an apology, which sounded heartfelt and sent the chamber into silence. The problem is that most Tory MPs never spoke again, as the Prime Minister segued quickly - bit too fast - into reminding us of Brexit and the vaccine. They didn't "hurrah" but remained silent, arms crossed, waiting to see how this would play out.

The stage was set for Sir Keir Starmer - who has approached this scandal with the zeal of a man never invited to parties - to deliver the most excoriating, personal, unpleasant and wickedly effective speech I have seen in this Parliament. The Prime Minister, he said, "is a man without shame, and just as he has done throughout his life, he is damaging everyone and everything around him along the way".

The Tories watched. And listened. And a few, no doubt, agreed.

"A tissue of nonsense!" said the Prime Minister of Sir Keir's charges, throwing in that Sir Keir had failed to nab Jimmy Savile when he was director of public prosecutions. Later, when asked if there were any drugs taken in No 10, Mr Johnson said the question was better put to the Labour frontbench. He misread the House. What it wanted was contrition, not counter-attack.

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Ian Blackford, from the SNP, called him a liar and was asked to leave, flouncing out before he was booted out. That triggered a ripple of sympathy for the Prime Minister from Tories who cannot stand the bloviating Scotsman. Nevertheless, from the backbenches emerged a steady pincer movement of the disgruntled, sacked or overlooked.

Theresa May: did the Prime Minister not read the rules, or misunderstand them, or did he just think they did not apply to him? Andrew Mitchell: he no longer enjoys my support. And, most devastating, Aaron Bell, who attended his grandmother's funeral and couldn't even go to her house afterwards: "Does the Prime Minister think I'm a fool?"

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Slowly, Tory MPs drifted out of the chamber. Mr Sunak and Liz Truss slipped away to run the country. Priti Patel stayed loyally, looking confused and miffed - as well she might, because we are ultimately talking about birthday cake here. But then every generation gets the Watergate it deserves. And the Prime Minister's constant refrain that people attacking his character should wait for the police investigation into, well, his character, rang hollow - kicking the can further down the road and compelling the Government to take drastic steps to keep its voters happy or distracted. "I was praying Gray would clear him," said one cynic in private. "So we wouldn't have to go to war with Russia."

A couple of Red Wallers came belatedly to Big Dog's defence. One used it as an opportunity to advertise a local brand of ice cream. Another said that, knocking on doors, a woman called Julie had told him the Prime Minister was doing the best he could. Labour jeered. Mr Johnson said: "I agree with those remarks, which I couldn't quite hear."

What has he got right, asked a Labour MP? Mr Burns whispered in the Prime Minister's ear, seeming to envelop him in friendship, and the Prime Minister jumped up with a glint in his eye: "Brexit!" he cried. A beautiful word, but no longer enough.

 

Plus the fact, as Hoyle had to remind one of Boris's fluffers on the Tory benches, this was a specific session to discuss the Gray 'Update' - Ukraine, cost of living and everything else wasn't even on the agenda. ****wit.

 

The fat **** gets his info from the same Petrolheads memesight that Kustard and Pete regurgitate - no wonder he thought the parties were okay and Brexit has been a success.

 

Scouse bint. She was on Sky before spitting feathers about bias, and was doubtless on the verge of threatening them with privatisation, before she realised they already are.