Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Thor, the god of thunder, goes out for a ride on his mighty war horse. He rides all morning and afternoon until as the sun begins to set, he arrives in a village square. He stands up on the stirrups of his horse, swings his hammer above his head and shouts "I AM THOR".

A little girl standing with her mother watching him replies, “Of course you’re thor thilly, you forgot your thaddle”

 

Murphy is walking past the barn and spots Paddy dressed as a Chippendale gyrating around a large farm vehicle "What the feck are you up to Paddy" he says.

Paddy, red faced and perspiring, says"I have a fierce lust upon me for that new barmaid, but she doesn't seem to notice me at all. I went to the doctor to get some advice, and he told me to try doing something sexy to a tractor"

 

What a fick bint

 

Brilliant.
There's no one sets the scene or tells a story like Billy Connolly, even his mannerisms are funny. Absolutely love his observational humour.
My favourite ever comedian.

 

A blind man stood by the station every day selling matches for 20p from a tray. A man used to come out of the station each morning and put 20p on the tray but never used to take the matches. One morning he drops 20p on the tray as usual, and as he walks away the blind man shouted: "Excuse me! But are you the man that always puts 20p on my tray but doesn't take any matches" The man said, "Yes, that's me".
The blind man said, "I think you should know that they went up to 30p last week".

 

Punctuation is crucial.....

 

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For Sale:
Framed picture of John Lennon’s wife.
£100 ono

 

I was called out to fix a leaking tap on a submarine ...

... I've had some rotten jobs but that was plumbing new depths.

 

Imagine ....

 

I

 

Ffs