The barnsley joke page

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My wife got a ladder in her tights

Best shoplifter ever

 

I've just come back from the national housebuilding championships.

I made it through to the semis

 

A Scouser guy goes on the antiques roadshow with a very rare vase.
Hugh Scully asks, "How did you acquire the vase?"
The Scouser says, "It was handed down to me."
Hugh Scully, "Where from?"
The Scouser replies, "An upstairs window

 

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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer and said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish". Suddenly the clouds parted and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish" The man thought and said, "Please build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over there anytime"
The Lord considered and said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics involved. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific ocean! The concrete and steel needed! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take more time and think of another wish. One that would honour and glorify me."
The man thought for a while. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. Although I feel I have done my best, all my wives have said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish I could understand women. I want to know how they feel, what they are thinking when they ignore me, why they cry, what they mean when I ask “What’s wrong?’ and they answer "Nothing" ...and how I can make a woman truly happy"

After a few minutes God said, "You want two or four lanes on that bridge?"

 

Told my mate who happens to be a doctor, I was having trouble in the bedroom?

So he gave me some Viagra - I can't see how that's going to help me put up 2 IKEA wardrobes!!

 

Gene Pitney's undertakers have said that it will take ten weeks to make him a coffin from oak.

Or twenty-four hours from balsa.

 

During labour, the nurse came up to Paddy and his wife and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?"

Paddy said, "Thanks, but we've already picked a name.

 

I just found out I'm colour blind

The news came completely out of the green !

 

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A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will make passionate love to you . So, who wants to go first ?
"The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
That's no better. There'll be no love making for you I'm afraid, Hamish.
How about you, Paddy ?
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London ".
Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy love making, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said
"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

 

An old farmer got into his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the homestead door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
Mornin'. Is your Dad home, son'? The farmer asked.
'Sorry Sir, he isn't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your Mom here, then'?
'No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Greg? Is he here'?
'He went with Mum and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do for ya'? The boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment.
'You would have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded.
'If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg.