Paddy's Wife comes home from her Doctor's Appointment and Paddy asks her how she got on... "Oh I done well" she said, "the Dr told me I had a lovely Vagina" Paddy was furious at this, and walked down to the Doctor's Surgery, in a pure rage he demands to see his Wife's GP... After about 10 mins the Dr comes out and says... "Whats the meaning of this outrage Paddy?" Paddy storms at the GP and says "Whats this I hear about you telling my Wife she has a lovely vagina??" The Doctor was shocked at this! and turned to Paddy and said... "I did not say that! I told your Wife she had Acute Angina!"
Her dog came in heat and she was concerned about keeping it and the male separated. But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw. "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked for me." he replied.
Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump. The Devil opened the third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
Boris Johnson walks into a Bank, he needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?" The cashier says “It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?” Johnson replies: “: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, Prime Minister.”” The cashier says: “Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.” Johnson says: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.” The Cashier responds: “I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.” Johnson says: “Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.” The cashier relents. “Alright sir, here is an example of what we can do,” he says. “One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without an ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his pitching wedge and a golf ball and hit a beautiful shot across the Thames into a cup of tea held by the bank's chairman without spilling a drop. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. “Another time, Gordon Ramsay came in without an ID. To prove who he was, he made delicious Balmoral Chicken right here on my table, called the branch manager a ****ing donkey, and fired everyone at the fish and chips shop next door. With that we knew who he was and cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?” Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do." The cashier replies: “That will do just fine good sir, will that be large or small notes?”
Boris Johnson takes the cabinet out for dinner. The waiter comes along and asks him what he would like to order. “I'll have the steak," Boris says. The waiter then asks, 'What about the vegetables?' Boris replies, “Oh, they'll have the same as me.”
A young Jarrow woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy." With nothing to lose and the prospect of going to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia." "I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Shields ferry."
This lad must have been popular for hundreds and thousands to turn out to pay their respects . . . . It's a tragic story really . . . . the lad covered himself in chocolate sauce, chopped nuts and marshmallows before he died. He topped himself.
