Paddy's in bed with his wife .Her mobile phone rings at 3am, Paddy answers it then angrily replies "Why don't you feck off, and ring the weather office!" Wife asks "Who was that?". He says "Some knuckle head asking if the coast was clear"
I remember once I was forced to choose between a lifetime supply of Blackpool's finest confectionery, and a lifetime supply of frozen fish. I was stuck between a Rock and a hard plaice........
I am thinking of starting a Elvis Presley themed steak and meat restaurant . Just for those who love meat tender........ .
“Been drinking tonight sir?” The police officer asked me last night. “I had one earlier, but that was all,” I replied. “I think you’ve had a few more than that sir. Would you step out of the van please.” “Why?” I asked. “Because the Postman Pat ride isn’t really designed for adults and there’s children waiting for their go,”
Out of surgery! Had my ear drum replaced with a piece of pig skin! My hearing is great now apart from a little crackling.
Three nuns all get written off in a car smash. The all knock on the Pearly Gates. St. Peter takes one look at them: "You can't judge a book by it's cover. I'll ask you one question each. If you answer correctly you can come in. If you answer incorrectly, you stoke coal for the rest of your days." Up steps the first nun. "Who was the first man on earth?" "Adam?" She ventures, uncertainly. "You have answered correctly - welcome to Paradise." Up steps the second nun. "Who was the first woman on earth?" "Was it Eve?" "Welcome to your eternal home. Please step forward." Finally, Mother Superior steps forward, all confident. "Mother Superior, think carefully. Here is your question: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Mother Superior goes as white as a ghost. After three hours, St. Peter looks at her sternly. "Well?" "That's a hard one." "Brilliant! Come on in!"
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog." So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like sh*t." The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician? It takes me six hours to open my Christmas presents..........
Something to look forward to during the self imposed lockdown period Burning Fireplace with Crackling Fire Sounds (Full HD) - YouTube
