Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

You really are as thick as a castle wall. You don't police this board so don't tell me what I can post and what I can't.

If you don't like my posts stop acting like a child and just ignore them, just as I ignore the ****e that you post. You are embarrassing and not worth responding to, so onto ignore you go.

 

Stop disrupting the thread and acting like a petulant child who cant get his own way,you could start an argument in an empty room

 

One Monday morning the Charlie the postman walked through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

"Wow, David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the Postman commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'."

The Postman thinks a moment and said, "How do you play 'WHO AM I?' ?"

" Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.."

The postman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."

"Probably a good thing you did," David responded.
"Your name came up 7 times."

 

A young cleric is returning from a pilgrimage to the Vatican and is sitting on the plane home doing a crossword when to his utter shock His Holy Father the Pope sits next to him.

The Pope starts to make small talk with the priest and notices that he has almost finished the crossword. "My son" says the Pope "I am considered to be a master of the crossword, perhaps I could find the missing clue for you?"

At this the priest starts to sweat profusely and becomes noticeably agitated. "Er.. No thank you your Holiness" he splutters "I think I should be fine"

"Nonsense!" says the Pope "why don't you give me the clue and what letters you have and we shall see what I can do?"

In a state of shock the cleric says "Well, I have the last three letters which are U, N, & T. The clue is 'an informal name for a female' "

"Ah, I can see your predicament" says the Pope "but I think you will find the answer is AUNT"

 

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'
'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'
'That wicked old bastard, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

 

Little Johnny comes home from school and asks his Dad for some help with his homework.

"Teacher says I have to be able to describe the difference between 'potentially' and 'reality' but I don't know where to start"

The Dad thinks for a moment and says "Son, take this question and ask your Mum, your sister and your brother the same thing and tell me what they all say" He writes on a card and sends the boy away to find the rest of the family.

Firstly the boy finds his brother and reads out "If you were paid a £1million quid would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" the brother thinks for a minute and says "for a million quid I'd do anything so count me in!"

The son then finds his mum in the bedroom and asks the same question "Well, if it was Brad Pitt I'd probably do it for much less but you can put me down as a yes!"

He then speaks to his sister and asks her the same thing to which she replies "Brad Pitt? OMG I totally would!"

The boy then takes his answers back to his dad and lets him know what he found out. "In that case son the answer to your home work is "Potentially we are sitting on 3million quid but in Reality we live with a homo and a couple of whores"

 

I've just been watching a tribute to Jethro and that joke was on it!! Well, very similar....brilliant.

https://youtube.com/shorts/0EpRj8wvtiU?feature=share

 

Sorley missed that guy was a comic genius,along with Eric Sykes Les Dawson Spike Milligan Tommy Cooper

 

yep a cracker

 

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She
picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell
you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people
buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are
buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back
to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to
buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we
cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of
old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that
you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the
dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little
old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The
cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box
that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and
quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like ****."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet
paper."

 

How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?

No Brussels!

 

What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker?

Pays her off!

 

Kim Jong Un will play Santa this year in the South’s annual pantomime.

He said he fancied a Korea change!

 

What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?

When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

 

or doesn't get a compliment for giving it his best shot

please log in to view this image

 

My best mate did something similar on his wedding night. farted, spat in the air ad said "get under the sheets"

 

A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint and a sandwich

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck,

"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?.”

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains

the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

"Of Course" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", ask the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck looks confused.

What would they want with a bricklayer?