British Politics

Plenty of top talent waiting in the wings

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Why does it matter if they come from a privileged background or not?

I want the best people for the job. I don't care about their background, only if they can apply themselves properly and do a decent job.

 

Sorry, mate. I missed this.

Johnson won't be the Tory leader at the next election. He'll be out on his arse shortly.

There's nobody else that I can see myself voting for. Labour has turned into a freak show so that's a big no. Lib Dems could potentially be very decent but they'll try and take us back into the EU so that's also a no.

 

Looks like Bojo is off the hook

 

I'm waiting for the DM to blame Meghan Markle, tbf.

 

I love how the Tories have got the left wing beeling over their Christmas party

 

Wednesday 8 December 2021 by Lucas Wilde

Boris Johnson announces Plan B for the public and Cardi B for the Number 10 Christmas party

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Boris Johnson has announced a wealth of restrictions on the rest of us while also confirming the entertainment for this year’s Downing Street Christmas party.

The general public will have to return to working from home and wearing face masks in public, known as Plan B.

Meanwhile, attendees of this year’s Downing Street Christmas Party can expect live entertainment from global hip-hop star, Cardi B.

“Boris isn’t generally a fan of what he refers to as ‘the hips and the hops’, but he’s massively into Cardi B,” confirmed Downing Street spokesperson, Simon Williams, who will be fired in eleven months time when he cracks a joke about the party.

“He heard that WAP song of hers and was an immediate devotee, not to mention incredibly aroused.

“No sooner had the question ‘what do you want for the entertainment?’ left my lips before he was shouting “CARDI B CARDI B CARDI B” while thumping his fist on the table.

“It’s going to cost an arm and a leg, but it’s taxpayers’ money, otherwise known as ‘free’ around these parts.

“But yeah, the rest of you, keep your distance from each other, wear your masks, yada yada yada.

“We’ll be locking you down over Christmas anyway, but we’ll all be far too pissed while watching Cardi B to care.”

 

Tories reveal ‘Schrödinger’s Christmas party’ which is both legal and illegal until police decide to take a look at it

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Downing Street have today confirmed that they did in fact hold a Christmas party last year, but that thanks to Schrodinger’s famous thought experiment it can still be considered perfectly legal until such time as the police decide to look at it.

Following a few days of speculation about the nature of a gathering at Number 10 Downing Street on 18th December last year at the height of festive lockdown restrictions, policing minister Kit Malthouse has today clarified the situation.

Speaking on Radio 4, he told listeners, “Look, it’s all above board, and perfectly simple for those of us that understand the paradox of quantum superposition.

“In December last year, no one was allowed to meet people outside their bubble, and the police rightly fined a number of gatherings and even broke up a wedding or two for not complying with these rules.

“And yes, it might be true that there was a party at Downing Street on 18th December, but whilst being considered illegal, it was also perfectly legal until such time as it was observed by the police; which it wasn’t, and isn’t going to be.”

He continued, “We acknowledge that a number of people, especially those deprived of their last moments with dying relatives due to the lockdown rules, are angry about this party that was perfectly legal while also not being legal, so we have asked the police not to look into the Downing Street party to ensure they don’t jeopardise the integrity of this famous thought experiment.

“Governments shouldn’t go around re-writing the rules of quantum measurement, so it’s probably best that we just leave it well alone.”

Boris Johnson was not available to comment on the allegations this morning, as the news that traces of cocaine had been found in one of the toilets in the Houses of Parliament sent him scurrying off and muttering something about ‘nature calling’.

The cabinet of Arseholes – get the best-selling mug for a loved one this Christmas!

 

Tory press officers preparing to explain that all official guidance on snorting cocaine was followed

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As the government seeks to sanction middle-class drug use, CCHQ has issued instructions on how to deal with the press when senior Tory cokeheads inevitably get caught doing blow but have no intention of losing their passports like some kind of pleb.

Tory Communications Director Simon Williams, explained that although his party was surprised Boris Johnson chose to target middle-class drug users in a party where it’s an unofficial membership requirement, his team was up to the challenge.

He explained, “Considering several cabinet members are notorious charlie fiends and that doing a line in a portaloo at the Henley Regatta is as much a Tory tradition as setting up a company in Guernsey for a buy-to-let portfolio, it did startle us for a second. But we’re confident that we can handle any incident by sending luminaries out like Dominic Raab or Liz Truss on GMB to stare into the distance with dead eyes and mumble about all the rules being followed.

“I know it seems like a weird strategy, but you’d be surprised at how many people are stunned into silence by balls-out denial that your blatantly illegal action was a crime.

“So when, and it is a ‘when’, a minister whose name rhymes with cycle drove gets filmed snorting a line of Bolivian off the display case in the Member’s bar during a crowded piss-up, we’ll just say it’s allowed because of parliamentary privilege or some such bollocks.”

Reports of past and present cocaine use have dogged the Johnson government with the PM himself having to deny he used drugs in his Bullingdon Club days and was giddy on nothing more than Bollinger when pissing on a homeless man or ****ing a dead pig.

 

'Boris definitely didn't attend' today's line from a parade of lying f**ks
8th December 2021

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THE new lie told by all the lying f**kers enriching themselves in the name of government is ‘Boris was not there’.

Matt Hancock, who is such a little bitch that he still defends the people who fired him for breaking the exact same rules they are breaking, today repeated that Boris definitely did not attend the Downing Street Christmas party so often that it is clearly untrue.

Joe Turner of Ludlow said: “So he didn’t attend? So in a fortnight we’ll have film of the portly bastard stuffing canapes with one fist and squeezing Allegra’s arse with the other? Lovely. Just in time for Christmas.

“For two weeks there’s definitely been no illegal party at which the rules were followed throughout, so we’re hardly confused by contradiction at this f**king stage.

“‘Boris wasn’t there’ will be bleated louder and louder by all the usual deceitful twats – Javid, Gove, Patel, Rishi will stay right out of it – until it’s definitively proven that Boris was there.

“At which point they’ll pivot to saying that the real people of Britain don’t care about trivial issues like not being able to get pissed with their mates at Christmas, and they’ll say that with a straight face too.”

He added: “Mind you, I do believe that no way was Boris there for the Secret Santa. He’s tighter than a gnat’s chuff.”