My girlfriend said she wants to leave me because she said all I think about is football. Such a shame as we had been together for five seasons.
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir-fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra… I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up 'cos I'm starving"
The Mrs said "I think that our lad has started watching porn - we seem to be going through loads of bog rolls lately, so you'd better have a quiet word. Later I went into the son's bedroom and said "listen son, I know that it's natural, but your mother's cottoned on to the porny thing and the bog roll's going down rapidly, so . . . ." Then he shouted "wrong room, Dad"
A lad from is doing really well on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" getting to £125,000 with all of his lifelines remaining. Jeremy: "OK, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers - was it: Ronnie Biggs Ronnie O'Sullivan Ronnie Corbett or Ronnie Wood ? . . . . take your time" Lad: "I'll take the money, Jeremy" Jeremy: "Are you sure - you've still got 3 lifelines ?" Lad: "I'm sure, Jeremy, I'll take the money" Jeremy: "OK audience - give him a big round of applause, but before you go I'm sure that you'd like to know the answer." Lad: "I know the answer Jeremy." Jeremy: "You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid - are you mad? are you mental?" Lad: "I may be mental, Jeremy, but I'm no grass."
I was in Currys the other day, and I saw a TV made totally from pasta. I said to the manager "What's that?" He replied "It's a tagliatelle".........
Working people frequently ask retired people what They do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. ... When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “a***hole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So Mary called him a “s*** head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
A young Sunderland lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, loads, I was a canny salesman back in Sunderland." The manager liked the lad so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK ..... how many sales did you make today?" "Just the one, Marra." he said.The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" £124,237.64" replied the lad. The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64 . . . . what the hell did you sell him?" "Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon Roker, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon to the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think that his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon to the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki" The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me that a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?" "Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's ****ed, you might as well gan fishing."
