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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    RETIREMENT BONUS
    The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
    The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
    The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.
    The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
    It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
    The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.
    The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
    The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.
     
    #11061
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 27, 2021
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I've just got a job for Halloween making plastic Draculas.

    There's only two of us on the production line, so I've got to make every second count.....
     
    #11062
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 27, 2021
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11063
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 27, 2021
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  4. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    upload_2021-9-28_18-3-1.png
     
    #11064
    Taffvalerowdy, Sep 28, 2021
    kiwiqpr, San Diego, Makemstine Roger and 1 other person like this.
  5. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    upload_2021-9-28_19-50-22.png
     
    #11065
    Taffvalerowdy, Sep 28, 2021
    Didley Squat, kiwiqpr, Wooperts_duck and 2 others like this.
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11066
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 28, 2021
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  7. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    upload_2021-9-29_13-38-5.jpeg
     
    #11067
    Taffvalerowdy, Sep 29, 2021
    Wooperts_duck, kiwiqpr, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  8. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    upload_2021-9-29_19-27-33.jpeg
     
    #11068
    Taffvalerowdy, Sep 29, 2021
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  9. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #11069
    Makemstine Roger, Sep 29, 2021
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  10. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    Ann had lost her husband almost four years ago.
    Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
    Finally, Ann said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

    Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."

    Well, it was an immediate hit.
    They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
    he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont ..
    Their first night there, she undressed as he did
    There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

    Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

    She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

    He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
    The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom ..

    She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

    He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"
     
    #11070
    Makemstine Roger, Sep 29, 2021
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  11. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    upload_2021-9-30_14-47-13.png
     
    #11071
    Taffvalerowdy, Sep 30, 2021
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11072
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 30, 2021
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11073
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 1, 2021
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11074
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 1, 2021
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11075
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 1, 2021
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  16. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #11076
    Makemstine Roger, Oct 2, 2021
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  17. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    upload_2021-10-2_17-17-35.jpeg
     
    #11077
    Taffvalerowdy, Oct 2, 2021
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  18. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    #11078
    Taffvalerowdy, Oct 3, 2021
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11079
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 3, 2021
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  20. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    He had better set off now then
     
    #11080
    Makemstine Roger, Oct 3, 2021
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Page 554 of 834
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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