I have been asked at somewhat short notice to be Best Man at the wedding of a mate on September 3rd. I've known the Groom for around 20 years, but I'd thought of him as more a trusted work colleague and investment partner than a mate, so was taken by surprise when he asked. Assume he must be desperate. It is the first time that I've ever been asked to perform such a solemn task, so am looking for relevant advice, stories, anecdotes, jokes etc. for my speech. All contributions welcome, even if you just want to share your own experiences. I thank you.
I've done it twice. That sounds a challenge, Uber, given that you don't know him well. You may have to speak to his friends to get amusing stories. My tips - avoid sexual innuendo at the wedding speech (though knock yourself out at any stag night!) and be unrelentingly complimentary about the bride .
Keep the speech short, no one ever likes one that goes on for ages. Try to find a few funny stories that don't assassinate his character. Then say something nice about him. Then what Goldie says about the bride. And try and have a few funny stories of your own ready to distract the groom if he's getting nervous in the morning.
Get smashed, tell the bride shes slightly better looking than his last bird, mention every damning thing about the groom you can imagine, even fictional, have another drink and watch the chaos unfold. Sorted
All the above. I've done it a few times and been to a fair few weddings. Big no for me is 'in' jokes, that'll have a select few in fits of laughter and the rest of the room looking disappointed at missing out/not getting the gag. I opened one with; "Today is a sad day for single men as this beautiful, intelligent, charming, funny lady is no longer on the market. For single women, this day passes with no significance whatsoever."
I was at a wedding where the best man made an explicit sexual reference about the grooms 90 year old grandmother. They've barely spoken since. Another gem, was when the best man (brother of groom) expressed surprise at the happy couple's honeymoon destination of Northern Ireland, as he'd been told the groom was going to "Bangor for two weeks".
Do NOT open with: “the best man’s speech traditionally provides the groom with the most uncomfortable 3 minutes of his life, which is coincidentally what his new bride will also experience this evening”
THIS! ..........and then some. Tell the bride she looks even better than her new husband thinks and the night is in your hands. You could end up being the leading light for the night. You could end up being caught amongst it all. You could end up out the back door. Whatever happens, go hard son! PS - There where no animals hurt in the writing of this post.
Another one that went down well... Last week I asked Rob what he was aiming for in married life, and I must say, I was blown away by his answer. He turned to me and said, 'Dave, my aim for my marriage is to be a model husband, one day a model father and of course, a model lover'. What a great answer, I thought, that shows Rob is aiming for the best in his marriage...but, being a naive sort of chap, I wasn't sure of the meaning of the word 'model', so I consulted a dictionary. 'A miniature version of the real thing'. (End it there or...) So Lindsay, I'm sorry to report that you just married a model lover.
Just don't mention stuff like his past struggles with heroin addiction, or his 7+ year stint at Wormwood Scrubs for armed robbery...
