Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

The Mrs wants to start trying for a baby. She said “Is your sperm active?”
“Well it regularly leaps over magazines and computer screens.”

 

True story - the ex wife found some brochures for a slap up holiday a few months after her new boyfriend had moved in and she got all excited. Problem was he was taking his estranged wife away - I didn't laugh honest

 

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

A couple just had their food delivered by the waiter. "Ooh, lets eat" says the husband and picks up his knife and fork preparing to dig in. "Oh, wait a minute" his wife says, "At home you always say a prayer before dinner." "Yes" say the hubby, "but at home you cook."

 

I want to go on record as being someone who supports farming. As a matter of fact, you could say that I'm:

please log in to view this image

 

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked,

“Is your Daddy home?"

“Yes", whispered the small voice.

“May I talk to him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked,

“Is your Mammy there?"

“Yes", came the answer.

“May I talk to her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone the boss decided that he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

“Is there any one there?" the boss asked the child.

“Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a policeman would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

“May I speak to the policeman?"

“No, he's busy," whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

“Talking to Mammy and Daddy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried after hearing what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,

“What is that noise?"

“A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awe whispering voice the child answered,

“The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me"

 

Brilliant .

 

I'm in trouble with the wife again. She asked me what was on the TV, last night.

Answering 'Same as every other night, dust' wasn't my best answer

 

I know our standards are low on here but congrats on getting below them mate .

 

Some woman in the shop asked me if I was vaccinated.
"Do you like anal?" I replied... She gasped and said loudly "Excuse me!!!"
"Well, since we are asking questions that are none of our f*cking business; it seemed rather relevant." - I said.
So my guess is that she's had the vaccine - but doesn't do anal.

 

You could say a Claas act?