Off Topic The Goodhand Arms

Two Ducks Mr and Mrs Duck are staying in a hotel. Mr Duck rings reception and asks if they can send up some condoms? The receptionist said Would you like them on your bill? Mr Duck said what do you think I am some kind of pervert?

 

I wouldn’t say I’m getting old but last night, I whispered in my wife’s ear what I would like to do to her,
and she said, "I'm getting really wet."
"Turns you on, does it? I asked.
"No," she replied, "you dribble a lot."

 

Has anyone ever been to the Goodwood festival of speed ?

We went last Friday and LOVED it

 

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.

Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Bob is shocked. "Excuse me Sir?"

"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'd screw all night if we let her."

Just then, Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces she is ready to go.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door and screams at her father,

"Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

 

Bloody hell . Those floods in Germany and Belgium are bad

 

If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?

 

On a similar topic, a squirrel can apparently survive a fall at terminal velocity. Therefore, in order for a squirrel to die, it would need to fall 4800 miles so that it starved to death during its plunge.





This wouldn't happen if it actually had a topic to hand during its fall.

 

Similarly, if a fly going at 20 mph in an easterly direction hits a train going at 80 mph due west, you know the outcome, but consider this:

The fly’s velocity gradient goes from 20 mph east to 80 mph west. During that transition, there must be an instant of time when the fly’s velocity is zero. At that instant, the fly is attached to the front of the train, so is the train’s velocity also momentarily zero?

 

its all about the frame of reference.

 

And if you had a fly that could accelerate from rest to 81mph instantaneously, would it be able to fly into the front of the train and immediately fly back the opposite way without any damage?

 

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".

The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

 

Can't wait for this - trailer looks great.

 

A man was driving down the road when his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,

“My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night; he tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk.”

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a grey-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

“In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,

“The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite.

The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive; his life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.

Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

 

RIP Tom O’conner
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-57879765

 

Lovely man. Somehow was family friendly throughout the very (with hindsight) unfamily friendly comedy of the 70s and early 80s.

 

I'll try to remember that, it may come in handy one day. Do you know If the area of tyre in contact with the road is static as the car accelerates down the road?