A guy walks into a bar. Standing at the Bar is a horse and on the bar was a large tray full of money. The guy asks the barman what the tray of money is for? The barman replied if you can make the horse laugh you win the money. The guy walks up to the horse and whispered into his ear and the horse bursts out laughing so the guy wins the money. A week later the guy visits the bar again and again the horse is at the bar and there is a tray full of money on the bar. The guy asks the barman what is the tray of money is for? The barman replied if you can make the horse cry you win the money. The guy leads the horse outside and when they return the horse is bawling it's eyes out so again he wins the money. The barman asks How did you make the horse laugh? The guy said I told him I had a bigger dick than he did. The barman asks How did you make him cry. The guy replied I took him outside and showed him
Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mummy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages. So she explains, slowly and patiently: "You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep cooking, moving them around in the pan and turning them over regularly so they all cook evenly." The little girl listens, pays attention, and watches closely as her mummy shows her how it's done. But this little girl is clever. And she asks questions: "Mummy, why do you cut off the ends of the sausages?" The mother is slightly thrown off guard as she doesn't know, and just tries to avoid the subject. "That's just how it's done, hunny." Weeks go by and one day the time has come to eat sausages again and the ritual repeats itself: the mummy explains, the little girl watches and learns, and after some careful consideration she asks the exact same question: "But Mummy, you still didn't tell my why you cut off the ends of the sausages?" At this point the mother can't brush off the little girl anymore and tells her she just doesn't know but they will ask the little girl's grandmother. So they drive up to the grandmother's house, they make conversation, and at some point the little girl just has to ask: "Grandma, why do you cut off the ends of the sausages?" Just like the mother, the grandmother simply does not know. She tries to tell the little girl she should just do as she is told but this little girl is persistent. One thing leads to another and finally they all agree they will ask the little girl's great grandmother, who is still alive. So they drive up to the retirement home. Now, you should know the great grandmother is old, getting deaf and she shouts, hence the ALL CAPS. Once again they try to make conversation, which is not easy because the great grandmother is hard of hearing. But, you guessed it, the moment finally comes, and the little girl asks: "Great grandmother, I just have to ask; why do you cut off the ends of the sausages?" "WHAT? SPEAK UP, GIRL, I CAN'T HEAR YOU! SAY THAT AGAIN?", the great grandmother replies. The child raises her voice, and asks again: "WHY DO YOU CUT OFF THE ENDS OF THE SAUSAGES?" And the great grandmother goes: "WTF? ARE YOU GUYS STILL USING THAT SMALL FRYING PAN?"
A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved his hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to his face and a gasp of horror escaped his mouth. “I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.” The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to her. Her hands began to shake and her throat felt like a desert as she barely managed to croak out the question on her mind…. “Will I be acquitted?”
By the way Laces and others, I finally managed to find a window to watch Time last night. Set out to watch one episode and ended up bingeing all 3. Utterly compelling, brilliantly written and acted, and uplifting and heartbreaking at the same time. Deserves awards aplenty.
Just before they lifted off, the pilot of the balloon boasted...."I am the greatest balloon pilot in the country, probably the world, so I can assure you that you couldn't be in safer hands." His passengers in the basket were mightily impressed, some even breaking into applause. "Yes"....he continued...."I can fly in the thickest of fogs, and the lowest and densest cloud, and still manage to judge an accurate height of just 6 feet above the ground." There's always one sceptic, and one of his passengers challenged him, saying...."Look down there, then! Cloud as thick as soup and the densest of ground mist or fog! Get us down there if you are that good" The pilot skillfully adjusted his burner, and started moving his weighted sand bags from one side of the basket to the other. The balloon gently descended, much to the amazement of the passengers on board. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are now hovering a mere 6' off the ground!"....A round of applause greeted the rather grand announcement...."In fact"....continued the pilot,"I can confirm that a local resident and has even come out to greet us, and is extending his hand upwards in friendship" The pilot leaned out of the basket, shook the resident by the hand, before announcing the balloon was about to rise. A few seconds later, the sceptic spoke up in admiration...."Astounding skill, pilot! truly amazing. To put us down safely, through all the cloud and fog. Unbelievable skill indeed!" "Not only that, sir"....responded the pilot...."I can tell you exactly where we are....Liverpool" The passengers were stunned. "How on earth can you know that, through all the heavy cloud and all that fog. And only a handshake from a local" "Easy"....said the pilot...."The thieving sod just nicked my wristwatch."
