Just found an old B&W photo of my Dad's mobile phone being delivered ... please log in to view this image
I got chatting to this woman at the bus-stop this morning and she told me that people call her Vivaldi. I asked her: “Is that because you’re a brilliant violinist?" She said: “No, it’s because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi.“
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting .... "Brian, wake up you drunken b*stard, you're shi*ting the bed"
The hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from Swansea . “The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives. Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, ‘Wedding cake.'
