I decided last year I'd include a pun in 10 of the christmas cards to see if they were funny and would get a reply. No pun in ten did.
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!" I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin. I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal." This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent." I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand." I bought some Armageddon cheese today, it said on the packet. 'Best Before End' I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?" My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel. I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R. I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down. I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on. The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard." This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything." I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!" I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest" I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road" I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there. I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts. I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays." I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
Alex Ferguson decided to throw an 80s themed party for Man Uniteds christmas do, Giggs arrived in a cavallier, Scholes in a Sierra and Rooney came in an Escort.
i was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. filthy, dirty, covered in cobwebs - but she's good to the kids tommy cooper legend
I telephone my builder today and asked if I could have a skip outside my house. He said "do what you want"
19. If you're offended why not make a thread that states thou shalt not mock Manchester United. Nobody and I mean nobody is obsessed with your debt ridden scum club.
Except you. You wouldn't go on and on and on and on and ****ing on about them till you're blue in the face otherwise. You obsessed little girls blouse!
All of a sudden Liverpool fans are obsessed about Man Who? Its not Liverpool fans that sing about Man Who when they aren't playing them. Yernited sing about Liverpool when they are playing Blackburn, every second song they sing has Scouser in it. They even called a Spaniard a ''Scouse Bastard'' a few weeks back. How dim was that?
I didn't say Liverpool fans. Learn to read. I said You, and i'm right in doing so. You're as obsessed as they come
No I'm not. Here's a few more jokes you'll enjoy these. The Manchester United supporters club is known as the mushroom club, they are kept in the dark and fed any old crap. Whats the difference between a Man United fan and a vibrator? A Man United fan is a real dick. Whats the difference between a Man United fan and a trampoline. You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline. How do you stop a Man United fan from drowning? Take your foot off his head. What do you call 1000 Man United fans falling out of the sky? Diarrhoea.
