Jokes

The Queen once bought Prince Charles a fox fur hat but he never wore it. One day Charles said to her I’m going to Cannock tomorrow to open a new civic centre.

The Queen said wear the fox hat. Charles replied up in the midlands by Wolverhampton!

 

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold...”

 

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Yep. Happens a lot here Roger. We live opposite some open bushland and have these guys visit us regularly. Not really dangerous, just pythons. leave 'em alone and they just go away.

 

Cannock was my home town

 

"Get my coat! You've pulled a male chauvinist"

 

"There's a guy on the phone who says he's Jamaican, but he sounds Scottish," said my secretary.
"That'll be Jim Aitken," I said. "Put him through."

 

Dubai don't get the Flintstones but Abu Dhabi do.

 

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A real woman is a mans best friend. She'll never stand him up or let him down, will reassure him when he feels insecure & comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him 2 do things he never thought he could do, enable him 2 express deep emotions & make him feel confident, sexy, seductive & invincible - No wait - I'm thinking of beer, It's beer that does that. Sorry

 

"Sorry I'm late home," I said as I arrived back from work. "Some bloke had lost a £20 note in Tesco."
"Were you helping him look for it?" asked my wife.
"No, I was standing on it!"

 

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Now there is no footie, I spoke to the wife.

She seems nice and she no longer works at Woolworths....

 

Germany bracing itself for Corona Virus new variants. People are visiting hospitals in the early mornings to put towels on intensive care beds.

 

I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough !!

 

I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch A Sketch and I don't own an iPad.

Also, I'm out of vodka.